I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
third nipple confirmed
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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