Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
then he tried to convert me to islam
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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