Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
