cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
