just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
