I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Dicks are not precious.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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