the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I have grass duct taped all over my body
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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