I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
