Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
