you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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