HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm gonna have a badass scar
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
