In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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