If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
