Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
