Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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