There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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