i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
