How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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