Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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