Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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