After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
