Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
