I cannot find my penis.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
