When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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