4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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