and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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