I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
