Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
