You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm at about main and main street
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
