I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
