Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
