I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
