Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
