if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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