I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
