sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
