god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
