i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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