I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
