I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
