if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You ate ashes out of my bong
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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