where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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