i think my mom watched the whole time
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
