i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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