remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
