I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
