Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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