My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
