operation harelip BJ is a go
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
