I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
