She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
