remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My breasts were aching with rage.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
